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brokenheart 32, Female, Montana, USA - 2 entries

Feb 2007
9:21 PM EDT

Okay I can make anyone smile and i love to be out with my friends and my "guy" friends! I geuss that I have a great life Oh My who I am trying to fool I hate mylife my boyfriend bet the crap out of me and i dont know what to do and i love him and dont want to get him in troubel or anything and i told one of my friends and boy did she want to kill him but yeah oh and i am in love with an really hot guy but i dont think it will ever happen i am just to hidious and even my boyfriend agrees with me that i am ugly so yeah and i think that i should just die its not like anyone would care i get hated for being bi i am bi get over it! All my friends dont know what to do with me anymore i am just in hell right now and my life suxs! I wish that i could find just one friend that just could be there for me no matter what i do or what happens i just hate mylife i fell inlove and then i ancedendly told them that i was in love with them and so now i dont know what to do with myself i want to die and no i do not have depression its just the truth i think that life is just hell at this time in any girls life! so yeah my life is just hell in every way and i dont want to feel like this i want to be happy but i am just not i am just sad all the time well except when I am with him! (lyle) he brings all the light i have ever needed to my life if i am cryin he could make me laugh and just smile forever but he isnt around much so when he is gone my life is hell but when he walks in i just begin to shine like i never have before and then there is chrisco the worlds greatest guy in the whole world he never leaves my heart i love him soooooooooo much all i do is think about him night and day and i dont know what to do i have no clue about anything anymore I just forgot how to do anything i just dont want to make a big mistake because i want to do things with him that i dont know if i am ready for but i also dont know if he is ready eather i dont want ot rush him because i dont want to be a slut or anything but i think that everyone already thinks that I am i dont want to lie any more i dont want to hurt anymore but i geuss i will forever!

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1 comment(s) - 10:18 AM - 02/23/2007

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Smilez 58, Female, Ohio, USA - 271 entries

Feb 2007
7:23 PM EST

I walk in numbness and replay each conversation back in my head over and over again... Is this grieving pain? Yeah it is. I hear a certain song and it cuts me, tears roll down my face as I try not to let my sorrow show.

If someone ask me whats wrong.. my eyes wells up with tears as my lips tremble. I cant speak without crying.

Why all this crying? I have to ask myself.

I dont know how to deal with one having their heart ripped out of them. I know that sounds harsh but thats how it feels at times.

I feel unwelcome now dialing his phone number... The waiting if he will pick up or will it go directly to voice mailor is ither on the other line. Will he be short and distance with me now? I dont know.. I dont know how to feel right now. I just have to take one day at a time as it comes. Come what may.. I just pray God will give me the strength as I endure it.

So many noticed my blank stare tonight, the mexican guys were trying to cheer me up. But nothing worked.

Im left feeling empty right now...I promised him time,and thats his right. I dont know what his time frame is.. I dont know if he is trying to forget all about me. I seem to have drove him over the edge last night. No matter what I was saying.. he was calling me by my first name.

Why cant I just get mad at this guy and get it over with? Why does he have such a strong connection over me?

Can I just be his friend right now? I think I can... Cant dwell on it now.

Sleep is falling very heavy on me... I dont want to cuddle up to an empty pillow. I just want to take something so strong to knock me out so I dont keep waking up to see if he calls me or not.

Ugh its going to be a long night.. I know I'll get through it somehow.

The world dont stop for someones broken heart!

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maureen 62, Female, Ohio, USA - 8 entries

Feb 2007
8:13 PM EDT

we are starting couples counseling saturday.Im not sure what I expect to happen, but am glad we are trying. She has been telling me how much me being disabled is a financial burden to her. I have been fighting for my disabilty for over 2 years. I wish I could make it happen faster, I just have no control over the social security time table. She is so stressed about money. I know we dont have alot. Our bills are always late. But somehow I cant make her see how much we DO have. There are many people who have much less.I feel like the universe gives you back what you give to it. She is giving off so much negativity, that negative seems to falling in her lap every moment of the day, and unfortuneately what comes into her life is also in my life. I just feel like maybe we are on different paths spiritually. I am grateful for what I have, and most of the time I dont complain about what I dont have. I know what hard times are (grew up in a family of 13), and our life is not as hard as it could be.

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heartbreak2007 37, Female, Pennsylvania, USA - 27 entries

Feb 2007
8:08 AM EDT

Hey I just can't stand this stinking school. They are giving this girl so many privlages and I can't stand it. She is going to graduate because her aid does all her work. She is going to be taking the test that we are having tomorrow and she hasn't been here for any of it. I am just real sick and tired of all this bull shit. there is no need for any of it.

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tealprincess18 35, Female, Virginia, USA - 88 entries

Feb 2007
7:09 PM EDT

hey today was an ok day... i got an e:mail from john and he misses me... i miss him so much!!! i havnt seen him in almost a month... well other than that me and my mom got into a major fight,and she yelded at me for what felt like forever.. well i have to go i need to get ready for bed cuz it is 10:10 at night.. till next time..*Destiney

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chens 57, Male, China - 56 entries

Feb 2007
6:51 PM H

Life need some structure to keep it going on track.

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madhousewife 69, Female, Michigan, USA - 48 entries

Feb 2007
6:13 AM EDT

Dispite how I feel about myself, I think if you ask those who know me , they all like me. They know if they work with me I do my job well and am willing to help them any way I can. I enjoy doing little things like giving everyone little valentines, decorating the work place for C'Mas and putting up little goodies for everyone. The only thing is I don't actually get close to anyone. I don't like talking on the phone, I don't take things out of the work place.

I'm not really a people person anymore. Everytime I go out I just seem to encounter the rude, and nasty. People shoving, riding my bumper, cussing, ect. Kids are getting awful!! There are no manners anymore at almost any age. The other day there was a bright spot. The woman in front of me at the grocer had a basket full and I had a greeting card. I was prepared for the wait, no problem. She asked if thats all I had and let me go first. I was so surprised. When I was little Mom always did that and we still do, but I haven't had that done for me in a long time.

I realize there is good , it just seems as the years go by it gets less. I can't believe the changes I have seen just in the last 20yrs. I have lived in Europe and the U.S changes so much faster than any other country, and we are arrogant. There is a reason we are called "ugly americans" everywhere. We are like a candle burning too bright ,too fast. We need to slow things down .

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sloppysqueen08 35, Female, California, USA - 8 entries

Feb 2007
12:51 PM PST

i didnt go to school im still feelin a lil sick, i went to work with nessa, they showed us how to work the pager it was cool! then i came home and got on the computer. and i havent talked to joe for awhile, so maybe at 9 i will.

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Tedybearbtch4u 40, Female, Pennsylvania, USA - 2 entries

Feb 2007
3:56 PM EDT

Tomorrow is a new beginning But Tomorrow could be the end of a new beginning so why not Live today?!... Please tell me or explain to me why we call this Country Freedom?! Why can't weed be Legal?!

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2 comment(s) - 01:45 PM - 02/24/2007

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Smilez 58, Female, Ohio, USA - 271 entries

Feb 2007
2:41 AM EST

I didnt do anything but talk to another guy.. just talk. Was it 2 minutes, maybe three.. but it was just talk.

Did I like the embrace? Sure why not.. its been so long since I've had a real good hug.

Did it mean anything to me? I cant say it did.

All I did was mention 1 guy that scared me that I could become attractive to, and it remains my down fall and the initical down fall to mine and his relationship.

I set him free last night, he set me free. No more knowing that he'll call me and we will still cling on the phone with each other. We hung up this time.

What is the griving period in letting ones heart heal? I dont know, I guess I'll find out in due time.

He just wants to be himself now.. I had no idea I was trying to change him, I was always fussing at him, and I was always talking about other guys to him.

I use to think him and I were so compatiable so perfect together.

After these last few talks I can see he's not.

What was he to me...? My best friend.

Who does he think about now? Her.. and what could be or will be between them? Their so much alike, and him and I arent.

All I did was love this man unconditional. Over looking his faults, lies, and secrets.

I had hoped for so much more with him. But sometimes when you love someone as much as you do... you have to set him free... Like he sang the other night to me on the phone... IM FREE ... yeah baby you are!

I just wonder if and when you do go to prision, which one of us will you be thinking about?

I guess I'll never know.

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